I love nosy Vanillas… [Writing]

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woman move tattoo containing stop violent License Public Domain CC0


Original Link to Mellissimo’s Writing Reprinted with Author’s permission. Copyright 2014 Mellissimo


Ladies, picture this: You’re in a grocery store, or a library, or filling up your car with gas… Suddenly, you are approached by a stranger asking if you are OK. The look on their face and the direction of their gaze makes it clear that they are referring to the big ugly (to them) bruise that they see peeking out from under your shorts, or the ligature marks around your wrists. You may initially demur, and say yes, I’m fine, but they’ll usually ask again, maybe suggesting that you need their help. They may even ask in alarm “where did you get those bruises?” So, how do you respond?

Do you leap at the delicious opportunity to see the shock on their face when you gleefully blurt out that you love it when your lover whips you? Do you take delight at their gasp when you wickedly grin and waggle your eyebrows? They kind of deserve to get embarrassed for poking their noses where it didn’t belong, right? Heck, you may even flaunt your bruises to INVITE opportunities to shock and dismay the muggles; it can be fun to knock people out of their comfort zones.

Or do you perceive their questions as an intrusion, and get defensive? Do you ignore them? Give them the stinkeye? Do you tell them to mind their own damned business? Or maybe you even throw in a little shock of your own and forcefully suggest that they stay out of your sex life? After all, SOMEONE’S got to teach them to mind their own damned business, right?

Based on innumerable discussions I’ve seen here on FL, these two responses are apparently very common. Women brag about having shocked the vanillas, or having taught those self-righteous little busybodies a lesson…

You ladies who think this way, and respond this way? Yes, you…. CUT IT OUT. Seriously, grow up and cut that shit out right now. In the USA alone, a woman is assaulted or beaten every 9 seconds, most of the time by a loved one or family member. And we have a culture of SILENCE about it. We have a culture where people don’t want to see it, they don’t want to get involved, they just want to mind their own business. And this can be deadly… Every day in the US, more than three women are killed by their husbands or boyfriends.

That person who just inadvertently poked their nose into your sex life? Don’t embarrass them. Don’t shame them. Don’t have fun at their expense, or feed them your wrath. Whatever their reasoning is, they just did something that 20 other people who saw your bruises didn’t have the courage to do: they broke the silence. THANK them for not minding their own business. Reassure them that you are ok, and remind them that the next person might not be. Encourage them to not mind their own business the next time they see someone with a bruise like yours. And then thank them, again.

Women like us, who get those bruises consensually? Yeah we’re in the minority. We’re walking around with marks that look a lot like warning signs… sheep in wolves’ clothing, if you will. As such, don’t we have a responsibility to make sure that we don’t train people to ignore those warning signs? The next woman that “busybody” sees with bruises like ours probably DOES need help… Do you really want to be the reason that the silence wins?

EDIT: I am overwhelmed and humbled by the response. This is not the first time one of my writings has made K&P, but nothing ever like THIS. And I’m glad it’s this one, because I feel very strongly about this message.
I have received many requests to cross-post and copy/paste.
PLEASE DO. The message getting out there and heard is far more important to me than any sense of ownership need to control the writing.

Thank you!


Original Link to Mellissimo’s Writing Reprinted with Author’s permission. Copyright 2014 Mellissimo

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